Bear hug orTight embrace

Every parent has to deal with it - sooner or later, in more or less serious form but it is always hard and it takes way too much energy. The age between two and four is demanding but also exciting. Your sweet little baby becomes an individual and sometimes the only way how to differentiate him/herself from parents, and especially mother, is through opposition and defiance. This process is natural and parents should be ready for it.

If not guided by adults, the child could easily get confused and lost. The best way how to help the child is to set borders and define roles. One of basic needs of every child is the need of security. Child only feels secure in known surroundings which includes also known relationships and roles. Every child needs at least one adult caring person who sets the rules and borders for the child and since it is natural to withdraw physical borders like swaddlers or barriers, they should be replaced by mental borders that will give children their safe ground. It is absolutely normal when children test the borders they are given. If they are unshakeable, children get over the defiant period quite easily. If the borders are unclear and unstable, children have to test them again and again and, possibly, they can try to set their own ones.

So, in order to minimize the need of defiance, set firm borders. Your rules should be clear and you should insist on following them. Of course, within the borders you set there should be space left for children to show and develop their individuality. Let them make their choice in less important matters. Let them be useful members of family/community. Let them know they are special and loved.

However hard you try, be prepared that your child might get into defiant mood sometimes. Then it is important to deal with the situation calmly. Do not feel ashamed, do not try to stop your child from screaming and stamping by force. Your own anger can make the situation only worse. The thing you can do in public is to take children away from others and show them that they will definitelly not get what they want and that you will talk with them only after they stop being nasty. At home you could try the method of tight embrace.

This method is suitable for children who seem to have problems with accepting your authority and they test the borders quite often. The reasons for that can be various but they are all connected to attachment disorder (maybe your child could not be with you right from the first moments after the birth, or you had problems with breastfeeding, or your baby was seriously ill, or you had to leave the child for some time - f.e. you had to go to hospital for a surgery, or your child is adopted). Whatever the reason is, you can try to show your child that you love and accept him/her and that he/she can find a safe anchorage in your arms. You can do that when the child is calm - then it is pleasant both for you and for the child - caress him, strike his hair, give him a hug. It is quite natural to take the child into your arms when he´s sad and crying, but you can do that also in situations when your child starts raging. What you have to be prepared for is that it can get really nasty for a while. The first reaction of a raging child when you take him in your arms and hold him tight (so that he cannot beat you or run away from you) is a strong opposition. The child will try with all his might to get free, so be ready. Choose a position in which you know you can handle the child even if it should take a long time (with some children it can take as long as one or two hours). Do not care about the things the child says. You can hear things like "I hate you", "I´ll kill you", the child might try to hit or bite you, but that is all natural. Testing the borders gets very intense and with borders the child tests the strength of your love as well. Be sure that the child does not mean those things and usually children even do not remember the things they said during the rage. The important thing you have to do is to STAY CALM. It is a good idea to speak to the child in a low and calm voice, telling him you love him and that everything will be all right. Sentences like "Don´t worry, it´ll pass." , "I will hold you as long as you need.", "I am here for you, I won´t leave." are also helpful. And most importantly, NEVER QUIT before the child calms down in your arms! Tight embrace should always end in a loving embrace that the child enjoyes.

The length, intensity and number of tight embrace "sessions" vary from child to child and they depend on the child´s nature and on a specific attachment disorder your child suffers from. If carried out correctly, tight embrace can completely change your relationship with a child. And the beautiful thing about this method is that it works also with older kids and with adults (f.e. in marriage) as well.